Diary of a Quarantined Cat: A New Smell

Something's not right.

The humans have been keeping the kitchen door shut, limiting my freedom to explore my own house. I smell something strong and pungent on the other side of that door, but they won't let me investigate.

The loud one makes shrill, excited noises on the other side of door. Is she happy? This is unusual.

What kind of smelly secret situation could bring her so much joy?

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Taking a Break

The human has been so busy on her book, she told me that she's OK with taking a break from posting my diary for a while. I'm OK with this too - I think I'm over being famous, and will probably go off the grid for a while. Maybe she'll stop taking so many pictures of me now too. This particular photo was especially degrading. What function does this vest serve, hairless servant?

I asked her if there are cats in her book, and she said that of course there are. That's good - no one wants to read a book that doesn't have any cats in it.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Alone

The humans have left me. This is what I thought I wanted, but as the famous proverb goes: be careful what you wish for. It's only been two days, but it feels like a century of solitude. My heart longs for love, and my neck longs for scritches.

A nice man comes by once a day to feed me, but he doesn't stay long. It's a very transactional relationship: he gives me stinky fish, and I give him attention. I always feel a little dirty afterwards, but a cat's gotta do what a cat's gotta do to survive.

The long lonely days have got me thinking about Nemo again. Our relationship may have been tumultuous, but with him I felt understood. Feeling understood makes one feel less alone in this world.

With the humans gone, there's nothing to distract me from my loneliness. Perhaps I should take this time to look inward - to get to know that handsome black cat from the time traveling mirror a little better. I can't rely on Nemo and the humans to make me feel whole.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: A Curious Suitor

Hi Bubbles,
Yes, you are not mistaken, this letter is from a dog... I wrote to you a while ago, so maybe you remember me, but I don't think you have the picture of me, so here it is...
Every night, before I go to bed, I read your diary. I have to admit that you are the most handsome cat I've ever seen! Also, the photographs in your blog are amazing...
Anyway, I wanted to offer my friendship to you... Yes, I am a dog, and you do not like dogs. But I am a small very friendly dog, and I am sure that when this quarantine is over, we could happily play with each other. It certainly helps that our humans are friends! Do you think this would be possible?
Regards,
Pepper

Dear Pepper,

I must admit, I was surprised by your letter. My initial reaction was to throw it out. I thought that it was either a cruel joke, or if it was real, that you were just completely daft. Why would a dog want to spend time with a cat? Our feud is centuries old and possibly the most famous inter-species feud out there.

However, something inside me didn't allow me to throw the letter away. I felt like I was ignoring something - taking the easy way out. I looked more closely at your picture, into your eyes specifically, and felt a warmth and a kindness. This letter wasn't a joke, and you're not daft. In fact, it was I who was daft in judging so quickly and jumping to unfounded conclusions. It's reactions like mine that perpetuate this feud. Something inside me didn't want your letter to be real. Perhaps because it's easier to hate you, so that I can measure myself against "the other" in moments of self-loathing and low self-esteem. If everything is relative, is it not necessary to degrade others to lift myself up? I'd built my life around this unconscious assumption, and in one letter, you tore it all down.

Pepper, I would love to meet you. I like to play, but don't be scared, I promise that it's always "claws-in." I do bite, but playfully, and am missing most of my teeth anyway. I need space sometimes, and a lot of sleep, so I need a partner who is independent and empathetic. If this sounds like it could work for you, let me know! It wouldn't be the craziest thing to happen this year.

XOXO,
Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Meet the Neighbors

It's weird - when you're in love, you notice everything and nothing, at the same time. When Nemo was in my life, I noticed and appreciated the colorful flowers, the patterns on the butterflies' wings, the different bird songs. Yet I didn't notice any of the other cats that came in and out of my yard, or the fact that there are two handsome cats that live right next door.

Earlier this week, I was so over trying to meet cats on the dating app. Most of them just want to mate, and they stop talking to me when I tell them I've been fixed. A fixed cat still needs love!

Anyway, I decided to look out a window that I almost never sit by. It's on the side of the house, so very few bugs and birds fly by, and I'd quickly lost interest in it as a perch. However, when I took a look this time, I saw that the neighbors had opened their shades, and two lovely cats were perched at the window across the way. The orange cat seemed extra excited to meet me. I'm not the best mouth-reader, but if I understood everything correctly, we're both going to try to escape one night and meet in the backyard.

For the first time in a long time, I feel excited about life. I'm starting to feel alive again.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Dating

I was shocked and amazed with how many responses I received on my dating profile. Especially because dating is difficult for indoor cats, so we're often matched with outdoor cats. I responded to a grey and white kitty who lives in the neighborhood, and he came by earlier this week.

I had really high hopes. We listed a lot of the same interests on our profiles: stinky fish, chasing flies, napping, etc. It seemed like a match made in heaven. But when he came by, he wouldn't stop talking about how he "couldn't imagine" being an indoor cat, and could never live a "caged-in" life. At first it made me feel insecure, but then it just really started to get on my nerves.

As not to be rude, I let the date continue, but I was barely engaged. After listening to a long-winded speech about how it takes living outdoors to develop real grit, I told him my humans are calling me for dinner. Surprisingly, he asked when he could see me again! Some felines are just clueless!

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 79

I sat down with the human today to talk about what my intentions are for the future of this diary. When I started it, I thought I'd only be quarantined with the humans for a few weeks to a couple of months. I didn't realize that 79 days later there'd still be no end it sight!

The human said she loves transcribing these posts for me - that it brings a lightness to her sometimes heavy days. She also said that she completely understands if I need to take a break.

We talked it out and came to a compromise: after today's post I'll start a weekly diary. I might still post more often than once a week, but only if I feel inspired to do so.

The human seemed happy with that. She's also working on a book, and said that she could use the time spent transcribing my posts everyday to work on her book instead. She wouldn't tell me what it's about, but if she's hoping to sell any copies, it should be about me.

Anyway, check back in a week for my next post!

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 78

I'm too tired to write a post today, so instead I'll share a video of myself when I was a kitten. Wasn't I just adorable?

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 77

Dear Bubbles, 
Are you a jumper? Do you do it for fun. Once upon a time we had a Dutch door made for one room in the house to keep the cats out. One had kidney infections & liked to urinate in the corner of that room. The other cat enjoyed jumping over the door, turning around, and jumping right back. I guess it entertained her to jump. How about you?
- Karen from Walnut Creek


Dear Karen,

Am I a jumper? Hah. Those who have seen me in action often ask if I'm actually part rabbit.

Gravity is the force that rules all. We (cats) regularly sacrifice cups, pens, anything really, to the gravity gods by pushing them off of tables. This pleases the gravity gods, who in return grant us the power to jump high. The more objects you push off surfaces, the more jumping power you're given (according to the sacred scriptures).

This cat of yours, who enjoyed jumping, likely got tired of the urine smell in the enclosure, and sacrificed many cups to obtain the power to escape.

I don't jump for fun. I jump because I know that someday I may need to use the power to escape from ground-bound threats. I trust the humans for now, but you can never be to careful.

XOXO,
Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 76

I've got writer's block today. I tried writing a poem, but then the sun came out, for just a moment. So of course I had to stop writing and lie down for just a moment. It's so warm and lovely on the green chair in the sun. 

If someone ever asked me what happiness is, I'd have to say it's when a sunspot hits a perfect soft surface in the middle of the day. The whole time the sun is there it's moving, but it moves so slowly that you don't notice until it's gone. 

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 75

The human and I finally settled on a picture for my dating profile. I think I look thoughtful, and sophisticated in this photo. She says I look "sooo cute!" Either way, I think it's a winner.

Let the games begin.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 74

Dear Bubbles,
Lately I’m hearing coyotes howling at night and a crazy chorus of birds in the morning. I smell skunks who were nearby just recently and watch whole families of raccoons scuttling across empty streets. Clearly something in nature is feeling the impacts of humans staying in their homes. You’re closer to this feeling than I am: what’s the word in the world of the wild?
- Peter in San Francisco


Dear Peter,

As an indoor cat, I am somewhat removed from the world of outdoor animals. Nemo used to be my connection to that world, and everything I know is from his stories. Every time we'd meet, he'd bring updates from the skunks and raccoons that roam the area. He didn't connect much with the birds since they were understandably afraid of him. However, every once and a while he'd have a conversation from beneath a tree with his bird friend, Crow. Somewhat recently, he recounted a conversation they'd had:

Nemo was doing his neighborhood rounds, when he heard a "caw" as he turned the corner on Russia Avenue -  in live bouquet of freshly blooming magnolias, Crow was perched confidently above him.

"Pink is your color," Nemo smiled.

"It's not too feminine?" Crow laughed. "I wouldn't want it to detract from my imagine as a bird of prey."

At this point in the story I interrupted Nemo to ask if pink would look good on me too. Nemo hardly paid me any compliments, and it made me slightly jealous that he did so for a bird. Nemo affirmed that yes, pink would complement me as well, and then continued his story.

Crow told Nemo that when he flies over the city, everything seems slower and emptier. "Usually, we'd lose a dozen of our kind in a week to cars, but this last week no one has perished. The cars aren't on the roads like they used to be. It feels like a balance is being restored. The animals are living more freely and openly."

"This means coyotes are probably in places they usually avoid too." Nemo realized.

"Yes, I've seen them on major streets. Be careful." Crow confirmed.

Nemo thanked Crow for her account, and asked that she keep him updated.

That was the last I heard from Nemo about the animals. It does seem that something has changed, and the outdoor animals have become braver and more open. Sometimes I wish I could go out there and see it all for myself, but the idea of braver coyotes frightens me a bit.

Anyway, hope that account brings some clarity. Wherever Nemo adventured off to, I'm sure he'll learn more about the situation. I hope he makes it back safely.

XOXO,
Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 73

The human and I are having a hard time settling on a photo for my dating profile. She snapped this one mid-bath, which normally would have been a violation of my privacy, but I just look so strappingly handsome in it, I couldn't be mad.

She thinks I should choose a more modest photo, and leave something to the imagination. I think we should give the people what they want. Who wouldn't reply to this cool cat?

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 72

The human kicked me out of my castle today, and covered it with a smelly liquid. When she finally finished and let me back in, I was more drawn to the castle for some odd reason. There was something more pleasing about its appearance.

The human said I look just like Toothless the Dragon, whatever that means. I may have only four teeth left, but for some reason I feel especially powerful today.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 71

Dear Bubbles,
My humans are constantly leaving glasses of water up on every table and counter top. While they know it’s my sworn duty to jump up there and knock those glasses over, they still yell at me and sometimes even swat me! I’m confused. Why do they behave this way? 
- Bandit in Newhall

Dear Bandit,

I know, right? I'm baffled by this human behavior as well. Recently, my humans have stopped drinking out of cups, and only drink out of water bottles. I can only assume they're trying to make my job more challenging. Perhaps I got a promotion?

Don't let their criticism get you down. It is a cat's sworn duty to re-establish this delicate balance in the universe. The water in those cups was never meant to be confined in a cylindrical prison. It was meant to be set free into the earth (or carpet), so that it can continue to flow through the world uninhibited. Humans don't understand the ephemeral nature of the universe, and try to establish structure with their gravity-defying water vessels. We, as cats, are here to remind them that all of it is temporary. There is no structure. If you want water, drink it now. It may not be there later.

Anyway, try pushing the cups off the counter in the middle of the night. Usually the humans are too tired to get up and punish you when they're sleeping. And sometimes the water dries overnight, and they're none the wiser.

Hope that helps!

XOXO,
Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 70

After Nemo left, I've started thinking that I should put myself out there again. Since that black cat I was so enamored with turned out turned out to be future me, my prospects are pretty limited. There is a plump, friendly cat named Cupcake who wanders into the yard on occasion. I've never taken much interest in her, but perhaps we could at least strike up a friendship.

The loud human agreed to sign me up for Eharmeowny (the internet's top cat dating site), but I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet. She said it'll help me get over Nemo and added that it's a lot harder for indoor cats to meet other cats organically. Then she took this photo for my profile image...I'm not sure if I should be terrified or offended. Please tell me: is this really what I look like?

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 69

I guess I was in kind of a bad mood yesterday. Sometimes the world just feels so heavy, and I don't want to do anything.

The human didn't exactly make me write the post yesterday. She just told me that even though I feel awful right now, I'll feel better if I make the effort. She said the hardest part is sitting down and making yourself do it, but once you start, the heaviness of the task lightens and things start to flow again. I hate to admit that she was right. Even though yesterday's post wasn't much, I feel so much better knowing that I did it, and I feel a motivation to keep going today.

Sometimes in life, what you need is a break, and sometimes what you need is the motivation to push through without one. The hardest part is knowing which is needed in real time.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 68

The human said I have to write a post today. I told her that I don't feel like it. She said too bad, I've committed to a post everyday, and I have to stick to it. I said this is inhumane treatment, and I deserve a weekend just like the humans get. I told her if she makes me do it, I'll call animal control. I meowed for hours, but animal control never came...I guess for now I'll continue. But this is all you get today.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 67

The Kiss

The humans let me outside again today for the first time in a while. I felt the breeze and the sun against my fur. I smelled the flowers, and the urine of 100 other cats. It was glorious.

I was wandering aimlessly, when all of a sudden he came through that hole in the fence. For a moment I froze, unable to react. Different scenarios ran through my mind: should I spray the yard and tell him to get lost? Should I stick my nose in the air and walk away? Before my mind could catch up to my body, I found myself running towards him.

Nose to nose, I looked into his eyes. Once pained, they immediately softened, full of surprise.

"I missed you," I said. "And I worried about you. There's a tiny killer mouse called a virus somewhere on the outside."

Nemo laughed. "Killer mouse...ha. Sure, kid. I'll be on the lookout." He paused for a moment, looking sad again. "I'm going away for a while. I don't know when or if I'll be back."

I decided not to ask where or why. I didn't want to spend this time talking about logistics or arguing. We stood in the yard for a few minutes longer, which felt like an eternity. It was not nearly long enough.

As I watched him walk away through that hole for what felt like the last time, I didn't feel sadness or anger anymore. I just felt grateful to have known that handsome one-eyed cat. We do have nine lives, I reminded myself. Perhaps I'll see him in the next.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 66

The humans seemed to have noticed all of the boxes accumulating in the corner of the living room, and decided to cut some holes in them today. I don't quite understand the end game here, but they're allowing the boxes to stay, so I'm good with it.

The loud one keeps calling me "King Bubbles," and told me that my "castle" is under construction. I think she's lost it.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 65

I was looking out the window today at the house across the way, and noticed for the first time that they have a window too. These four walls, the ceiling, and the floor are my entire world. I spend every morning, afternoon and night within them - it's all I know. I wonder what the worlds are like in each of those other houses, and if other cats look at my house through their windows and wonder the same thing.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 64

Dear Bubbles,
Do you think humans have minds and feelings the way we do? They stare at clicky-boxes (thank you for the word; I was wondering what to call them), and sometimes they push me away if I get between them and the clicky-boxes. Why? What can be so important about a box ? It’s even more strange late at night. They both lie down and then stare at little boxes, or they pick up these thing that have many thin sheets with black marks on them. They just stare at them. They will stare at one sheet for a long, long time, then they will turn to the next sheet and stare at that. If my head gets in the way of seeing those black marks, they push me aside. It’s humiliating to be pushed aside just so they can stare at these motionless things. Do they really have minds ? What do they think about ? Are they conscious the way we are?
Roger in San Francisco

Dear Roger,

Yes, it is quite curious that the humans find so much joy in these inanimate objects. I do finally understand the fascination with the clicky box. Have you ever tried tapping the little clicky things? It's actually very satisfying. However, I don't get deal with the little loud light rectangle. There's nothing clicky about it, and yet they stare at it for hours on end. 

To address your question about whether or not the humans have feelings, I wonder that often myself. Sometimes I'll see a flicker of something in their eyes, and believe that there must be some intelligence there. Other times, I watch them look at their little loud light rectangle for hours with soulless eyes, and second guess that assumption. 

The first time I thought the humans might have souls was when I saw the loud one dance. At first glance, it appeared as though she were possessed by a demon that was trying desperately to squeeze into her body. However, after looking closely at her - at the way her whole face smiled - I thought she must have a soul. Then she stepped on my tail, and I thought perhaps she is just possessed after all.

I guess we'll never know!

XOXO,

Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 63

The humans seemed sad again today. I think they're struggling with this whole indoor life. Part of me feels gratification in the fact that they'll have to have more empathy for my situation now that they're experiencing it, but another part of me just feels sad to see them sad. 

I couldn't take their moping anymore, and decided to show them my secret napping places to cheer them up. I even showed them the spot in the back of the closet, behind the loud one's shoes. Rather than be impressed and grateful, the loud one just picked up my nap cushion and said, "there's that sweater! Gross, it's covered in black fur!"

And to think I was considering showing them my secret throw up spots as well...I guess some things are better kept secret.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 62

I did catnip today. I used to love the nip, but I kind of thought those days were behind me. Although recently, I'd just been so overwhelmed with the humans around all the time, I thought I'd give it a whirl.

At first, it was chill. I was rubbing my face against all the different surfaces, feeling the soothing pressure against my cheeks. Then slowly, it started to intensify, until it got to a point where I was just staring into space.

For a moment, I felt like I understood everything; that life's meaning is always and only what we make of it. I felt connected to the humans, as though they too have feelings and deep thoughts.

Just as things were starting to become clear, a bird landed by the window and began to preen itself. Normally, I would lunge at it, but all I could do was lay there, motionless, the world spinning. It was such a helpless feeling; I had all the knowledge in the world, but it was meaningless if I couldn't act on it. In that moment, I wanted more than anything to feel grounded again. I wanted to jump up and make that pompous bird fly away. Am I even a cat if I can't do the things that cats do?

Perhaps that was my last nip trip.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 61

I Ate the Butter

A yummy milk stick

Left in plain sight

Maybe one lick

No harm in a bite...

I think they heard me!

Quick one bite more

Jump down quickly

And throw up on the floor.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 60

So Bubbles! 
I really love my cat, Mozart, and I’m moving to Nashville in January. My cat lives with my parents along with three other animals, and he’s not very close with any of his fellow animal friends (one cat and two dogs). He is very bonded to me. But I’m still worried that if I take him to live with me, he’ll miss his animal companions. As a cat with no other animals in the house, what do you think I should do? If I take him, how can I make him more comfortable being alone? 

- Natasha in Boston

Dear Natasha,

Did you say that your cat lives with not one, but two dogs? Take him. Take him away as soon as you possibly can. 

Perhaps he'll miss his feline friend, but cats are territorial and often do better on their own. If he's bonded to you, he'll just be happy to be reunited. 

However, moving can be hard for cats. We're creatures of habit, and have a hard time in new environments. I'd make sure to give him lots of pets and stinky fish, especially in the beginning. 

Good luck with the move!

XOXO,

Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 59

The humans have started to let boxes accumulate in the house. Usually they let me keep one, and throw out the rest, but they haven't thrown a box out in almost two weeks. I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm into it. I'm trying not to let my excitement draw too much attention to the situation, lest it remind them to tidy up.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 58

I talked to the human today, and told her that I've been a little overwhelmed lately. Of course, she didn't understand everything I said (we have that language barrier), but I could tell in her eyes that understood the heart of it.

"Would you like to take a break from the daily diary?" She asked.

I sat quietly for a moment, contemplating. 

"You know, today is Mother's Day," She added after a bit. "Did you think about your mother, Bubbles?"

Was she referring to herself? She's hardly my mother. More like that older sister you can't get rid of. Besides, we look nothing alike. I'm much more handsome. 

"I bet she was a beautiful kitty like you."

Oh. She's talking about my real mother. She was beautiful. 

Thinking of her made me want to keep writing. Like maybe she would read it from somewhere, somehow. So for today, I'll continue.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 57

I was sitting by the back window, watching the birds flutter from tree to tree, feeling good about my day, about my life. Then just as the sun peaked up into view, I saw him saunter into the yard.

I still thought about Nemo all the time, but he was becoming more and more just a memory, almost like our love had been a dream. To see him there, sitting in the yard, was surreal. 

I didn't even realize I'd been meowing and pawing at the window when the humans walked in.

"Want to go say hi to Nemo?" The loud one asked. "Come on."

Before I could think, my freedom-killing string was attached to me, and I was in the yard, face-to-face with the cat I'd tried so hard to forget.

"Nice leash," he said trying to smile, but I could see that it was pained.

"I can wiggle out of it," I responded causally, stopping to lick myself. "Any time I want."

"That's great." He paused for a moment. "It's good to see you."

"Of course it is. I'm great."

Nemo tried to laugh, but again it was pained and awkward. 

"I'm gonna go chase that fly,"  I said after a long silence. 

"OK. But that's a bee." He couldn't help himself. He always had to correct me.

"Yeah, well, I've never been afraid of being stung. I'd rather live my life."

I had to pretend to chase the bee for a couple seconds to save face, but Nemo knew that I thought it was a fly, and I really didn't want to get stung.

He turned and walked through a little hole in the fence. I noted the hole, in case I ever decided to wiggle out of my leash. 

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 56

The humans have started shutting their bedroom door at night. I'm not sure they realize that this makes it so much harder for me to wake them up in the morning. Thankfully, I've figured out that if I pound against the door incessantly, it eventually opens. Thanks to my strength and perseverance, the humans will never miss an early morning wake up call!

You're welcome!

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 55

Dear Bubbles, 
During the quarantine I have been catching up on my movie watching. A couple of years ago I read “The Art of Racing in the Rain.” It popped up on HBO last night, so I watched it. While I was watching it, I came to the realization that there are many sappy, emotional movies about dogs (“Marley and Me,” Homeward Bound,” Beethoven,” to name a few). I can’t name one about a cat. Why is that Bubbles? 
- Movie Watcher in San Francisco

Dear Movie Watcher in San Francisco,

Yes, this is definitely true; cats are rarely the emotional focal point of a film. More often they are simply used to progress a plot (in how many scary/suspense movies have the characters come home to a bloody scene and yelled "the cat!" in horror?).

These sappy dog movies play to our emotions in an easy, cheap way. The human heart becomes a marionette to these formulaic, soundtrack-laden films. Quite frankly, humans are simple creatures, and they crave the easy to understand, things they don't have to work hard for. You do have to work for a cat's love, and even when it's earned, it never comes on command. There's nothing romantic about boundaries and self respect, so we're left out of these Blockbuster films. But that's fine with me! I'd rather be left out of the scene completely than be dumbed-down to a two-dimensional caricature of a cat.

I prefer watching basketball anyway. That silly ball just goes everywhere! I'm seeing a lot of this "Jordan" player on the TV lately. I think he'll be a star!

XOXO,
Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 54

A Busy Day

5am, time to wake

And do my morning lap

Push a glass off, watch it break

Then take a 5:10 nap

6am, time to eat

Wake the humans up

They say no, go back to sleep

Off the table goes a cup

8am, they're awake!

Now I'm getting fed!

9am, morning break

I go right back to bed

12pm, bite her toes

Then run away and hide

3pm, time to doze

Til darkness looms outside 

All of that in just one day

I'm asked by many: how?

It's all about learning to stay

In the present - in the meow

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 53

Dear Orange String,

You are my oldest friend. You were around when I was but a wee kitten, and you're still here with me now. I chase you when you flee, I carry you with me on all of my adventures. When I've lost you, I've searched for many long minutes, until the humans come and show me where you are, and we're reunited again. Thank you for being my favorite toy and my best friend.

XOXO,

Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 52

Dear Bubbles, 
During this strange time how are you finding a work/life balance and how are you helping your humans find their balance as well?
- Heidi in Simi Valley

Dear Heidi,

Since I've been an indoor cat my whole life, balancing work and home life has always been a challenge. When I'm off the clock, but see a cup teetering at the edge of the coffee table, it takes a lot of self-control not to push it off. I have to remind myself that that cup will most likely be there for me in the morning.
The humans seem to have this problem too. I've figured out that most of the time they're on their clicky boxes they're "working." They'll close them at the end of the day, but usually not for long. Especially the loud one - she almost always opens it back up at night.
The key to achieving that balance is to prioritize your hobbies (like napping) the same way that you would work. For example, I always take a nap at 2pm, regardless of how many ghosts need to be chased, or cups need to be pushed. Then I wake up from my nap refreshed, and ready zip around the house like a kitten!

XOXO,
Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 51

I was feeling a little down today, so I walked by the window where'd I'd met the handsome black cat. I realized that I'm finally ready to move on from Nemo, and want to be open to dating other felines.

When I approached the window, he was there, looking into my eyes - into my soul. Then behind him, I saw my human. I turned quickly, confused - I'd thought that I'd heard her behind me. She is quite loud, after all.

There she stood behind him, behind me. In this strange moment, an understanding flowed through me: the handsome black cat on the other side was never a stranger. Of course. It all makes sense now.

The glass was never a window, but a time travel portal that lets you see into the past or the future. In this case, it must have been the future, because the loud human looked old. I however, looked great! I'm glad to see I age well.

All this time I'd been pining after Nemo, and the first time I started to feel better was when I began to unknowingly show love for my own image. I feel like this has some kind of meaning or importance, but it isn't clear to me yet. All I know is that I'm a damn handsome feline, and I'll be walking by that time travel window more often.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 50

I needed some alone time away from the humans today. Their grabby hairless raccoon hands, and loud voices were really starting to wear me down.

I found a perfect hiding spot - one where I could gaze out the window undetected. It was discreet and hidden, yet comfortable and familiar.

How the humans managed to find me, I don't know. It must have been some sixth sense or witchcraft. I'd always suspected the loud one to be a kind of witch.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 49

Dear Bubbles, 
Why are the servants always clicking on these machines instead of licking on them? They taste delicious! Even the thing they call a mouse, but don’t get me started on that. 
-Ash in San Jose

Dear Ash,

I admit I was skeptical that I would find anything delicious about the clicky box. However, after I received your letter, I took a lick, and sure enough it was tasty! There was some sticky salty substance on the side that was just delectable.

The loud one sometimes eats her food in front of the clicky box, so my guess is that the box acts as a tasty food trap. I hope she wasn't saving the sticky stuff to have as a treat later. Although you're right - I've never seen the humans lick the boxes. Heck, I never see the humans lick themselves either. Filthy creatures...

Thanks for the tip Ash! I'll keep an eye out for any time the humans eat in front of these boxes.

XOXO,
Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 48

Dear Bubbles,
I sometimes think about the first thing I will do when humans no longer need to shelter in place. What will be the first couple of things you will do when both of the humans in your house leave for the entire day?

- Courtney in San Francisco

Dear Courtney,

I've gotten so used to the humans being around, that this thought hasn't crossed my mind. 

Although now that I think about it, I have some ideas. Without the needy humans around anymore, I'd nap wherever I want: on the counter, on the coffee table, on all the places they forbid me from napping when they're around. I'd drink out of the toilet, and eat all of the food off of any dirty dishes lying around. I'd push all the cups and pens off of all the tables, and then I'd hide as many of them as possible under the couch...

Actually, now that I think about it, it would be a grand time. It's hard to relax and be yourself when there's always someone around watching you. 

XOXO,

Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 47

Love in the Time of Corona

I've been eavesdropping on the humans more lately to try to understand what it is that they're afraid of. So far I've gathered this much:

• It's some kind of virus, which I understand to be a little creature (perhaps like a mouse?).
• They can't see it. This explains why I haven't seen anything scary outside (like coyote gangs, or monsters).

It's so strange that they'd be afraid of such a small creature. Maybe they're frightened because they can't see it? I've learned that humans also can't see ghosts, and they seem to be scared of those too.

Why is it that we're afraid of what we can't see? The humans are afraid of this invisible mouse called a virus. Nemo is afraid of love.

I wonder if love were visible, what it would it look like. Would it be scary like a vacuum cleaner, or beautiful like a warm spot of sun on the kitchen floor? Maybe it would look different for everyone, or maybe it would be exactly the same. When I think of love, I think of my mother's coarse tongue pulling at my fur, to the symphony of our purrs. 

I wonder what Nemo sees when he thinks of love, or if he thinks of it at all anymore. It's easier not to think of the things that scare us.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 46

The loud human looked upset yesterday and said to me, "it looks like you'll be writing your diary for at least another month."

Does this mean that there is an end date to the humans being indoor humans? It's strange - I complain about their constant presence, but when I think about things going back to how they were before, I get a little sad. I feel like like I've grown closer to the humans, and I've gotten used to the new routine.

I heard the loud one say something the other day about how "there's no going back to before." I don't know if she was talking about being an indoor human or something else, but it seems true for everything. Change is inevitable, and it's better to accept it than to try to fight it.

So it sounds like in a month or so things might change again. I guess I shouldn't be afraid of the humans going back to their old ways; things will be different no matter what, and they could be better. Perhaps stinky fish three times a day, and a kitty door so I can go outside whenever I want? One can hope.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 45

Dear Bubbles,
When I was setting the table for company, I placed a squirt water bottle by the table leg. The message to my then cat was to keep off. When I was not looking, she would knock the bottle over. Bubbles, don’t you think that this behavior is mean-spirited?
-Cat lover in Walnut Creek

Dear Cat Lover in Walnut Creek,

May I ask what the intention behind the squirt bottle was? Was it used to release spontaneous mini-showers onto your cat? My humans used to have such a device to keep me off of the table, but after a while, I got used to the cool spritzes, and the device lost its effectiveness.

That's the funny thing about humans: they have these tantalizingly scratch-able floor mats, but get mad when we scratch them! Or they have these high flat surfaces, just perfect for surveying our empire, but they spritz us when we ascend!

I doubt your cat's behavior was mean-spirited. It sounds like she simply wasn't able to stomach the spritzes. Gravity is also partly to blame here, by the way. Why humans keep anything on high surfaces astounds me. All that potential energy would drive any cat crazy.

Not sure if that helped...

XOXO,
Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 44

Dear Bubbles, 
We know you don’t have a dog in your house, so maybe you don’t know how do deal with us, but we are two dogs who live in the same house as two cats. We don’t have anything against cats per se, but there’s some weird thing that comes over us when the black cat comes in the room that makes us jump up and chase him away. We never chase the old tabby cat out because she would kill us but the black one pretends he’s afraid and runs away.
But here’s the weird part: he’s not really afraid of us because when we’re under a blanket because it’s cold and we’re sleepy the black one comes over and steps on us! He KNOWS we’re there because we move a little bit he still steps all over us!
Why does he do that? We’re just sleeping, we really don’t want to have to go and chase him away but he seems to be begging for it!
Do you have any explanation on why he would do that?
Btw, his name is Motzy and here’s his picture.
- Jazzy and Poppy in San Jose

Dear Jazzy and Poppy,

I've received so many letters recently about the cat-dog dynamic. It's becoming clearer and clearer to me that there is a deep misunderstanding there. As I have with past letters, I will try my best to be objective and understanding.

In Motzy's case, there is definitely an interesting power dynamic at play. When you're awake and alert, you like to assert your power over him. However, as soon as you let your guard down, Motzy takes the opportunity to demonstrate his dominance. 

The behavior of everyone involved is opportunistic, and lacks any real foresight and compassion. As long as you continue to assert dominance in such an aggressive and uncompromising manner, Motzy will continue to react, and assert power whenever he sees an opportunity. 

Try taking the high road - when Motzy comes into your room, let him in, and see what happens. There's always a risk that he'll swipe you in the face and then pee on you, but I think it's a risk worth taking. The relationship won't change on it's own - someone needs to be brave.

XOXO,

Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 43

Dear Bubbles,
Why is it that dogs are so obedient; they come when called, stay and sit when told, sit and catch treats etc. Are dogs more intelligent than cats? Or is there something else going on?
- Mamaw in Walnut Creek


Dear Mamaw,

I'll try not to be offended by your implication that a dog could possibly be more intelligent than a cat. This difference in behavior comes down to the simple fact that cats are independent creatures, and dogs are highly dependent on their humans.

With dogs, there's this constant need to please their humans. Every time they shake a hand, or roll over, or sit on command, a little bit of my heart breaks for them. I want to say "Fido, you are a good boy. You don't need the humans' approval to see that."

There is something admirable about the positive energy and unconditional love of a dog. I just wish it didn't reek of such desperation.

So yes, a dog comes when called, and does whatever the human commands - it's all part of a messy urine-filled codependent relationship. Cats do what they want, and are still given a warm place to live, stinky fish, and pets on the daily. Who do you think is more intelligent?

XOXO,
Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 42

Ever since receiving yesterday's letter I've started to worry. What is it that the humans are so afraid of?

When I look out the window, everything seems pretty normal, albeit quieter.

I took my own advice yesterday and told the humans that I love them. I said:

"Loud One, you may be too much energy and noise, but quite frankly, I'd be bored without it. Snuggle Human, what would I do without your daily snuggles? Please stop exercising so that it's more comfortable to sleep on you. And sure, I love you both."

I knew they wouldn't understand me. Recently it's become clear that they don't speak Cat. However, it was easier for me to say such things, knowing this. Even though the words may have fallen on deaf ears, I know that they can feel my love.

I feel better now that I've spoken my truth to the humans, but something still doesn't feel right. I wonder if it's because I haven't seen Nemo in weeks. The last words I said to him weren't very nice.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 41

Dear Bubbles,
My name is Alex, and I am the Mayor of Carmelita Street - a charming tree-lined dead end street in the Duboce Triangle neighborhood of San Francisco. I share the your concerns about too much togetherness with my human, who has been spending far too much time at home. But I actually have a question I haven’t seen yet in your column (I am a regular reader and couldn’t believe my luck when Libby told me she knew you). When I am out doing my daily rounds of my kingdom, the humans seem to steer clear of me. Humans who in the past have been friendly to me, now cross the street when they see me as if I have some sort of plague. Is Nemo still the mayor of Lisbon Street? If so, he has been at it a long time. Is he experiencing this same phenomenon?
Alex
Mayor, Carmelita Street, San Francisco

Dear Mayor of Carmelita Street,

That's so interesting. The last time I saw Nemo he did allude to something along those lines. I was so angry with him, I didn't pay much attention to it at the time. Although I remember that he said that things are changing, and that the humans seem afraid. I didn't ask him to elaborate - I thought he was just changing the subject on me. Now I wish I had asked more questions.

I wonder if that's why the humans are home all the time - because they're afraid of something out there. It seems strange that they don't want to give you any pets or attention though. My humans won't leave me alone. 

All I can say is be careful out there! It's a scary world already, and it sounds like something's made it a whole lot scarier. Maybe now is a time to tell the people or cats in your life that you love them.

I hope Nemo is OK...

XOXO,

Bubbles

The Mayor of Carmelita Street:

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 40

Dear Bubbles,
I have a kitty cat who’s always trying to eat my food, whether it’s cheese or stinky fish, and won’t take no for an answer, no matter how I try to push him back. How do I keep my cat from behaving like this?
- #1 Bubbles Fan in San Francisco

Dear #1 Bubbles Fan,

It sounds to me like you're not feeding your cat enough stinky fish. My humans sometimes don't feed me enough, so I have resort to eating their food. Human food is really hit or miss though (mostly miss). Please stop reading, and pass this to your cat. I'll be addressing him for the rest of this post.

Dear Hungry Kitty,

This is what you do: wait until you notice the humans are making something in the kitchen, and then knock something over in the other room. The humans will rush in to assess the damage. This should give you enough time to jump on the counter and take a few solid bites of whatever they're cooking.

They also sometimes leave dirty dishes on the counter, so keep an eye out for those. They can be covered in tasty morsels.

Good luck!

XOXO,
Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 39

Dear Bubbles,
What is the right balance between being pestered by the humans, but also ensuring that they continue to dispense treats, toys and scritches when desired? I find that sometimes my protests for peace are met with further physical disruption and need help controlling their behavior.
Sincerely,
Cleo in Oakland

Dear Cleo,

Your question is an age-old question around the classic human/cat dynamic. We cats love our humans, in spite of their ugly hairless appearance, and needy nature. However, sometimes the neediness is just too much.

If your human is excessively needy, I would recommend reassuring them that even though you might not always show it, you do love them. I'd calmly remind them that love is not attachment, and suggest that they look internally for the love and validation that they so desperately seek. Then I would suggest a few hobbies to them, like string chasing or napping, so that they leave you alone for a bit. 

Unfortunately, I recently learned that not all humans are fluent in Cat, so they might just laugh at you when you make these proclamations. If that's the case, then I'd recommend just batting the human in the face, claws out, every couple of weeks. They won't stop feeding you, I promise. And the scritches will keep coming. The occasional spontaneous face swipe just keeps them in line and reminds them who's boss.

Hope that helps!

XOXO,

Bubbles  

Cleo sent this photo of her helping his human work on their clicky box:

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 38

All this journaling and advice-giving is exhausting. I'm going to write a short post today because I'm in need of a good long nap, and I predict it will take up most of the day today.

I overheard the human say something about sleeping 9 hours last night. Yikes. How do they function on such little sleep?

On that note, I'm off to take my pre-dinner nap. Catch you cool cats and kittens later.

XOXO,
Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 37

Dear Bubbles,
As an indoor cat who enjoys solitude while your humans are away, do you have any tips to share with us humans who are now required to be indoors all the time?

- Bear's Caretaker in San Francisco

Dear Bear's Caretaker,

I found your letter so interesting - it's the first letter I've received that references the need for humans to stay inside. So it's not just my humans who are required to be indoor humans? How many humans are being forced to stay inside, and why?

Anyway, back to your question. I do find joy in solitude, and am quite honestly perplexed by anyone who doesn't. When you are on your own, you can be whoever you want to be, without being bothered or judged. You can look out the window for hours, chase a fly for 30 seconds, and then top it all off with a bowl of stinky fish and a long nap in the sun. Or you can do human things like flail about to noises, stare at boxes with flashing lights, and open and close the cold kitchen box 100 times (this is a very popular exercise with my humans).

I think the key is simple: acceptance. Once you accept that you're an indoor cat...or human, you can start to enjoy it. Also remember that everything is temporary; nothing lasts forever. So once you accept your reality today, and recognize that it's fleeting, you will start to find joy.

XOXO,
Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 36

Dear Bubbles,
I'm concerned about my human. She's becoming increasingly erratic. Lately she's been turning on a loud noise and moving her body in strange ways. When this happens, I immediately retreat to my safe place under the bed or the sofa so I can observe without the risk of being kicked or stepped on. I worry that she's sick or hurt or possibly even possessed... but she looks like she's having fun? What's going on? Should I be concerned? 
Sincerely,
Cookie in Oakland

Dear Cookie,

It's so nice to hear that this is normal human conduct! The loud human in my house often exhibits this behavior. I've heard her refer to the limb flailing and erratic jumping as "dancing." At first, I was put off by it, and even a little frightened. However, the more I observed, the more I realized that she thoroughly enjoys thrashing about; it seems to cure her of bad moods. I've even tried to join her on occasion (from a safe distance, of course). Cats are much more coordinated and graceful than humans are, so I do so subtly, as not to upstage her and ruin her good mood.

My advice is to let your human embarrass herself. It will improve her mood, and she will be more likely to give you pets and stinky fish. Maybe even try to join in one day. I find that the humans' good moods can be contagious.

XOXO,
Bubbles

P.S. Cookie included a photo of her hiding space, which I included below.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 35

I want to use this post to say thank you to everyone who's been reading along and/or sending me questions. As an indoor cat, my exposure to the outside world is limited. I only know what Nemo's told me, or what I've heard from the humans. Hearing from all of you has opened my mind to so many possibilities and different ways of thinking.

A couple months ago, I felt such an urge to be a free outdoor cat. I'd even had an escape plan, and a partner, Nemo. Well, as you know, that all fell apart right around the same time that the humans decided that they would be indoor humans. My whole life changed dramatically in such a short period of time... 

It's times like these that we learn the most about ourselves. I've learned that life isn't about "all or nothing." I've also learned that freedom is complicated. I used to take it very literally - to be free was to roam the hills of McLaren Park, uninhibited and unattached. I realize now that freedom is more of a state of mind than anything. It's knowing what you want, and having the courage to go after it. Figuring out what you want is the hardest part. The second hardest part is creating a foolproof escape plan behind the humans' backs.

I do want to go back to the coyote brush of my youth. Would I want to stay there forever? Maybe, but I won't know until I get there. All I know is that there's something there for me. That bush kitten wasn't a fairy tale - that was and still is me. Nothing will ever change that.