Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 48

Dear Bubbles,
I sometimes think about the first thing I will do when humans no longer need to shelter in place. What will be the first couple of things you will do when both of the humans in your house leave for the entire day?

- Courtney in San Francisco

Dear Courtney,

I've gotten so used to the humans being around, that this thought hasn't crossed my mind. 

Although now that I think about it, I have some ideas. Without the needy humans around anymore, I'd nap wherever I want: on the counter, on the coffee table, on all the places they forbid me from napping when they're around. I'd drink out of the toilet, and eat all of the food off of any dirty dishes lying around. I'd push all the cups and pens off of all the tables, and then I'd hide as many of them as possible under the couch...

Actually, now that I think about it, it would be a grand time. It's hard to relax and be yourself when there's always someone around watching you. 

XOXO,

Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 47

Love in the Time of Corona

I've been eavesdropping on the humans more lately to try to understand what it is that they're afraid of. So far I've gathered this much:

• It's some kind of virus, which I understand to be a little creature (perhaps like a mouse?).
• They can't see it. This explains why I haven't seen anything scary outside (like coyote gangs, or monsters).

It's so strange that they'd be afraid of such a small creature. Maybe they're frightened because they can't see it? I've learned that humans also can't see ghosts, and they seem to be scared of those too.

Why is it that we're afraid of what we can't see? The humans are afraid of this invisible mouse called a virus. Nemo is afraid of love.

I wonder if love were visible, what it would it look like. Would it be scary like a vacuum cleaner, or beautiful like a warm spot of sun on the kitchen floor? Maybe it would look different for everyone, or maybe it would be exactly the same. When I think of love, I think of my mother's coarse tongue pulling at my fur, to the symphony of our purrs. 

I wonder what Nemo sees when he thinks of love, or if he thinks of it at all anymore. It's easier not to think of the things that scare us.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 46

The loud human looked upset yesterday and said to me, "it looks like you'll be writing your diary for at least another month."

Does this mean that there is an end date to the humans being indoor humans? It's strange - I complain about their constant presence, but when I think about things going back to how they were before, I get a little sad. I feel like like I've grown closer to the humans, and I've gotten used to the new routine.

I heard the loud one say something the other day about how "there's no going back to before." I don't know if she was talking about being an indoor human or something else, but it seems true for everything. Change is inevitable, and it's better to accept it than to try to fight it.

So it sounds like in a month or so things might change again. I guess I shouldn't be afraid of the humans going back to their old ways; things will be different no matter what, and they could be better. Perhaps stinky fish three times a day, and a kitty door so I can go outside whenever I want? One can hope.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 45

Dear Bubbles,
When I was setting the table for company, I placed a squirt water bottle by the table leg. The message to my then cat was to keep off. When I was not looking, she would knock the bottle over. Bubbles, don’t you think that this behavior is mean-spirited?
-Cat lover in Walnut Creek

Dear Cat Lover in Walnut Creek,

May I ask what the intention behind the squirt bottle was? Was it used to release spontaneous mini-showers onto your cat? My humans used to have such a device to keep me off of the table, but after a while, I got used to the cool spritzes, and the device lost its effectiveness.

That's the funny thing about humans: they have these tantalizingly scratch-able floor mats, but get mad when we scratch them! Or they have these high flat surfaces, just perfect for surveying our empire, but they spritz us when we ascend!

I doubt your cat's behavior was mean-spirited. It sounds like she simply wasn't able to stomach the spritzes. Gravity is also partly to blame here, by the way. Why humans keep anything on high surfaces astounds me. All that potential energy would drive any cat crazy.

Not sure if that helped...

XOXO,
Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 44

Dear Bubbles, 
We know you don’t have a dog in your house, so maybe you don’t know how do deal with us, but we are two dogs who live in the same house as two cats. We don’t have anything against cats per se, but there’s some weird thing that comes over us when the black cat comes in the room that makes us jump up and chase him away. We never chase the old tabby cat out because she would kill us but the black one pretends he’s afraid and runs away.
But here’s the weird part: he’s not really afraid of us because when we’re under a blanket because it’s cold and we’re sleepy the black one comes over and steps on us! He KNOWS we’re there because we move a little bit he still steps all over us!
Why does he do that? We’re just sleeping, we really don’t want to have to go and chase him away but he seems to be begging for it!
Do you have any explanation on why he would do that?
Btw, his name is Motzy and here’s his picture.
- Jazzy and Poppy in San Jose

Dear Jazzy and Poppy,

I've received so many letters recently about the cat-dog dynamic. It's becoming clearer and clearer to me that there is a deep misunderstanding there. As I have with past letters, I will try my best to be objective and understanding.

In Motzy's case, there is definitely an interesting power dynamic at play. When you're awake and alert, you like to assert your power over him. However, as soon as you let your guard down, Motzy takes the opportunity to demonstrate his dominance. 

The behavior of everyone involved is opportunistic, and lacks any real foresight and compassion. As long as you continue to assert dominance in such an aggressive and uncompromising manner, Motzy will continue to react, and assert power whenever he sees an opportunity. 

Try taking the high road - when Motzy comes into your room, let him in, and see what happens. There's always a risk that he'll swipe you in the face and then pee on you, but I think it's a risk worth taking. The relationship won't change on it's own - someone needs to be brave.

XOXO,

Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 43

Dear Bubbles,
Why is it that dogs are so obedient; they come when called, stay and sit when told, sit and catch treats etc. Are dogs more intelligent than cats? Or is there something else going on?
- Mamaw in Walnut Creek


Dear Mamaw,

I'll try not to be offended by your implication that a dog could possibly be more intelligent than a cat. This difference in behavior comes down to the simple fact that cats are independent creatures, and dogs are highly dependent on their humans.

With dogs, there's this constant need to please their humans. Every time they shake a hand, or roll over, or sit on command, a little bit of my heart breaks for them. I want to say "Fido, you are a good boy. You don't need the humans' approval to see that."

There is something admirable about the positive energy and unconditional love of a dog. I just wish it didn't reek of such desperation.

So yes, a dog comes when called, and does whatever the human commands - it's all part of a messy urine-filled codependent relationship. Cats do what they want, and are still given a warm place to live, stinky fish, and pets on the daily. Who do you think is more intelligent?

XOXO,
Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 42

Ever since receiving yesterday's letter I've started to worry. What is it that the humans are so afraid of?

When I look out the window, everything seems pretty normal, albeit quieter.

I took my own advice yesterday and told the humans that I love them. I said:

"Loud One, you may be too much energy and noise, but quite frankly, I'd be bored without it. Snuggle Human, what would I do without your daily snuggles? Please stop exercising so that it's more comfortable to sleep on you. And sure, I love you both."

I knew they wouldn't understand me. Recently it's become clear that they don't speak Cat. However, it was easier for me to say such things, knowing this. Even though the words may have fallen on deaf ears, I know that they can feel my love.

I feel better now that I've spoken my truth to the humans, but something still doesn't feel right. I wonder if it's because I haven't seen Nemo in weeks. The last words I said to him weren't very nice.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 41

Dear Bubbles,
My name is Alex, and I am the Mayor of Carmelita Street - a charming tree-lined dead end street in the Duboce Triangle neighborhood of San Francisco. I share the your concerns about too much togetherness with my human, who has been spending far too much time at home. But I actually have a question I haven’t seen yet in your column (I am a regular reader and couldn’t believe my luck when Libby told me she knew you). When I am out doing my daily rounds of my kingdom, the humans seem to steer clear of me. Humans who in the past have been friendly to me, now cross the street when they see me as if I have some sort of plague. Is Nemo still the mayor of Lisbon Street? If so, he has been at it a long time. Is he experiencing this same phenomenon?
Alex
Mayor, Carmelita Street, San Francisco

Dear Mayor of Carmelita Street,

That's so interesting. The last time I saw Nemo he did allude to something along those lines. I was so angry with him, I didn't pay much attention to it at the time. Although I remember that he said that things are changing, and that the humans seem afraid. I didn't ask him to elaborate - I thought he was just changing the subject on me. Now I wish I had asked more questions.

I wonder if that's why the humans are home all the time - because they're afraid of something out there. It seems strange that they don't want to give you any pets or attention though. My humans won't leave me alone. 

All I can say is be careful out there! It's a scary world already, and it sounds like something's made it a whole lot scarier. Maybe now is a time to tell the people or cats in your life that you love them.

I hope Nemo is OK...

XOXO,

Bubbles

The Mayor of Carmelita Street:

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 40

Dear Bubbles,
I have a kitty cat who’s always trying to eat my food, whether it’s cheese or stinky fish, and won’t take no for an answer, no matter how I try to push him back. How do I keep my cat from behaving like this?
- #1 Bubbles Fan in San Francisco

Dear #1 Bubbles Fan,

It sounds to me like you're not feeding your cat enough stinky fish. My humans sometimes don't feed me enough, so I have resort to eating their food. Human food is really hit or miss though (mostly miss). Please stop reading, and pass this to your cat. I'll be addressing him for the rest of this post.

Dear Hungry Kitty,

This is what you do: wait until you notice the humans are making something in the kitchen, and then knock something over in the other room. The humans will rush in to assess the damage. This should give you enough time to jump on the counter and take a few solid bites of whatever they're cooking.

They also sometimes leave dirty dishes on the counter, so keep an eye out for those. They can be covered in tasty morsels.

Good luck!

XOXO,
Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 39

Dear Bubbles,
What is the right balance between being pestered by the humans, but also ensuring that they continue to dispense treats, toys and scritches when desired? I find that sometimes my protests for peace are met with further physical disruption and need help controlling their behavior.
Sincerely,
Cleo in Oakland

Dear Cleo,

Your question is an age-old question around the classic human/cat dynamic. We cats love our humans, in spite of their ugly hairless appearance, and needy nature. However, sometimes the neediness is just too much.

If your human is excessively needy, I would recommend reassuring them that even though you might not always show it, you do love them. I'd calmly remind them that love is not attachment, and suggest that they look internally for the love and validation that they so desperately seek. Then I would suggest a few hobbies to them, like string chasing or napping, so that they leave you alone for a bit. 

Unfortunately, I recently learned that not all humans are fluent in Cat, so they might just laugh at you when you make these proclamations. If that's the case, then I'd recommend just batting the human in the face, claws out, every couple of weeks. They won't stop feeding you, I promise. And the scritches will keep coming. The occasional spontaneous face swipe just keeps them in line and reminds them who's boss.

Hope that helps!

XOXO,

Bubbles  

Cleo sent this photo of her helping his human work on their clicky box:

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 38

All this journaling and advice-giving is exhausting. I'm going to write a short post today because I'm in need of a good long nap, and I predict it will take up most of the day today.

I overheard the human say something about sleeping 9 hours last night. Yikes. How do they function on such little sleep?

On that note, I'm off to take my pre-dinner nap. Catch you cool cats and kittens later.

XOXO,
Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 37

Dear Bubbles,
As an indoor cat who enjoys solitude while your humans are away, do you have any tips to share with us humans who are now required to be indoors all the time?

- Bear's Caretaker in San Francisco

Dear Bear's Caretaker,

I found your letter so interesting - it's the first letter I've received that references the need for humans to stay inside. So it's not just my humans who are required to be indoor humans? How many humans are being forced to stay inside, and why?

Anyway, back to your question. I do find joy in solitude, and am quite honestly perplexed by anyone who doesn't. When you are on your own, you can be whoever you want to be, without being bothered or judged. You can look out the window for hours, chase a fly for 30 seconds, and then top it all off with a bowl of stinky fish and a long nap in the sun. Or you can do human things like flail about to noises, stare at boxes with flashing lights, and open and close the cold kitchen box 100 times (this is a very popular exercise with my humans).

I think the key is simple: acceptance. Once you accept that you're an indoor cat...or human, you can start to enjoy it. Also remember that everything is temporary; nothing lasts forever. So once you accept your reality today, and recognize that it's fleeting, you will start to find joy.

XOXO,
Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 36

Dear Bubbles,
I'm concerned about my human. She's becoming increasingly erratic. Lately she's been turning on a loud noise and moving her body in strange ways. When this happens, I immediately retreat to my safe place under the bed or the sofa so I can observe without the risk of being kicked or stepped on. I worry that she's sick or hurt or possibly even possessed... but she looks like she's having fun? What's going on? Should I be concerned? 
Sincerely,
Cookie in Oakland

Dear Cookie,

It's so nice to hear that this is normal human conduct! The loud human in my house often exhibits this behavior. I've heard her refer to the limb flailing and erratic jumping as "dancing." At first, I was put off by it, and even a little frightened. However, the more I observed, the more I realized that she thoroughly enjoys thrashing about; it seems to cure her of bad moods. I've even tried to join her on occasion (from a safe distance, of course). Cats are much more coordinated and graceful than humans are, so I do so subtly, as not to upstage her and ruin her good mood.

My advice is to let your human embarrass herself. It will improve her mood, and she will be more likely to give you pets and stinky fish. Maybe even try to join in one day. I find that the humans' good moods can be contagious.

XOXO,
Bubbles

P.S. Cookie included a photo of her hiding space, which I included below.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 35

I want to use this post to say thank you to everyone who's been reading along and/or sending me questions. As an indoor cat, my exposure to the outside world is limited. I only know what Nemo's told me, or what I've heard from the humans. Hearing from all of you has opened my mind to so many possibilities and different ways of thinking.

A couple months ago, I felt such an urge to be a free outdoor cat. I'd even had an escape plan, and a partner, Nemo. Well, as you know, that all fell apart right around the same time that the humans decided that they would be indoor humans. My whole life changed dramatically in such a short period of time... 

It's times like these that we learn the most about ourselves. I've learned that life isn't about "all or nothing." I've also learned that freedom is complicated. I used to take it very literally - to be free was to roam the hills of McLaren Park, uninhibited and unattached. I realize now that freedom is more of a state of mind than anything. It's knowing what you want, and having the courage to go after it. Figuring out what you want is the hardest part. The second hardest part is creating a foolproof escape plan behind the humans' backs.

I do want to go back to the coyote brush of my youth. Would I want to stay there forever? Maybe, but I won't know until I get there. All I know is that there's something there for me. That bush kitten wasn't a fairy tale - that was and still is me. Nothing will ever change that.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 34

Another question all the way from New York!

Dear Bubbles, 
Are you the catnapping kind? How do you resist the urge for an afternoon snooze considering everything that needs to get done in a day?
- Quaran-T in New York City

Dear Quaran-T,

Resist the urge? I've never in my life done such a thing about anything. When I want to sleep, I sleep. When I want to eat, I eat.

This theme has come up a few times with the humans: a need to work, even when they don't want to. As I've stated in a previous post, I am optimally productive, and amazingly efficient with my day. I believe that this is because of my napping, not in spite of it. Humans spend more time worrying about things than actually doing them. I think they need to just decide to nap, and then decide to work. I bet you if you added up the amount of time you sit, unproductively wishing you could sleep, it would add up to a solid nap time. And if you'd allowed yourself that snooze, you'd wake up feeling energized and ready to chase some ghosts!

That's a wrap - time to nap!

XOXO,
Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 33

I see the humans on their clicky boxes all day. I watch them pace around the house with so much excess energy. I can tell they want to go outside - they want to be outdoor humans again.

I say, "then go, human! Be free! I'm not keeping you in here!" Every time I open up and express myself, they just laugh. That wasn't my intention, but at least I made them smile...

The humans sometimes talk about when they'll be let outside again. I wonder if they'll let me out with them when that day comes.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 32

Today's letter is from another fellow Feline, Roger.

Dear Bubbles,
You like stinky fish, and you do not get tired of it. I like stinky fish too, but not all the time. If I get it one time, I get it at least two more times. Then it’s not appetizing at all. I wish I had something different at every meal. I notice that the humans have something different at every meal. (What they eat is disgusting, though. It’s mostly plants and other weird stuff, but no meat!) Anyway, how can I get them to give me something different at each meal? Another thing, why won’t they use my real name? My real name is Roger, but they call me Hodge. Maybe the real issue is that I do not get enough respect.
- Roger in San Francisco

Dear Roger,

Thank you for bringing up this very valid and very real issue. While I like stinky fish more than just about anything, I would love a little more variety myself. The humans always say "there's plenty of fish in the sea," but they seem to forget that when they're at the stinky fish store! There's more fish than just tuna, humans! I'd like a bit of salmon now and again. Or maybe even some Mahi Mahi.

Yes Roger, I think it comes down to respect. Have you pushed a cup off the table recently? If not, I advise that you do so as soon as possible. I also advise throwing up on a few soft surfaces. This usually asserts dominance and reminds them who's in charge. It'll also indicate that you're sick of the current food, and ready for a change.

In terms of your name, I unfortunately don't know what to tell you. Bubbles is actually my middle name. My full name is Pikachu Bubbles Holdenstern. I never expressed that I'd prefer to be called by my middle name, yet when I confront them, they laugh at me. Sometimes I think the humans don't even try to understand us...

I hope this helps. Please keep me updated, as I'm currently going through the same assertive techniques with my humans. I'm curious to see if the training works on different humans.

XOXO,

Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 31

Today's question is from another feline. Glad to see I'm gaining popularity among my own species!

Dear Bubbles,

A new cat has recently wandered into my house. The humans are acting weird and keep her behind a closed door, but I can smell her. I’m upset and confused. Are they going to like her more than me? I sit by the door everyday and hiss, but that seems to make the humans mad. Cat to cat, what should I do in this situation?

- Foxy in New York

Dear Foxy,

That sounds rough. I'm sorry you have to share your confined indoor space with a mysterious outdoor cat. While the situation may be uncomfortable and uncertain, I'd recommend trying to make the most of it. If the humans are keeping her behind a closed door then they must recognize that this other cat's presence upsets you. It's likely they are trying to keep the peace as much as possible. Take advantage of this! Act a little more aloof than normal, nap in hidden places, and turn your nose up at your food on occasion. This will worry the humans and they will likely pay more attention to you. Humans are curious creatures - the more you ignore them, the more they become interested in you. It's almost cat-like. Sometimes I think they might even have souls.

I hope this helps. Please keep me updated on the situation.

XOXO,

Bubbles

P.S. Foxy sent a photo of herself, which I included below. Please don't be too disappointed that it's not a photo of me. It really was such a pleasure hearing from Foxy. If she's so inclined to keep in touch, I'd be delighted. 

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 30

Today's question is from Zach in San Jose.

Bubbles, 
How do you maintain your sanity while having to remain indoors with the humans for so long, especially the "noisy one"?
- Zach in San Jose

 Dear Zach,

Before the humans were indoor humans, I had the whole house to myself during the day. I would nap on the couch, on the table, wherever I wanted.

These days things are different: the humans are in most of my nap spaces during the day, so I've had to find new ones. Often times the humans encroach on my new spaces, and I don't get adequate sleep. I've expressed my discontent with the situation, but they just laugh at me and call me whiny!

Quite honestly, Zach, it's difficult. Cats need their independence, and they need space. I've just been taking it day by day and trying to find joy in little things (like the fact that I do get extra pets since they're here all the time). I remind myself that everything is temporary, and that I'm especially good at escaping if the need presents itself.

XOXO,
Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 29

I walked by the window in the nap chamber today when something caught my eye - it was the handsome black cat I'd met weeks ago. He seemed a little sad today, and less engaged. Maybe he sensed that I wasn't really in a good mood myself. 

Even though our meeting was calmer this time (the sparks weren't flying quite as high) there was an implicit understanding. There was a warmth and a comfort in the calmness of our meeting. I didn't need to be anything or anyone that I didn't want to be. He just sat there with me, the real me, without judgement or expectation. 

I hope someday we can meet without this glass between us. I feel a strong urge to get to know him better.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 28

Today's question is from Cat Lover in San Francisco. Love the alias!

Dear Bubbles,
I would love to get another cat but my husband doesn’t want one. Any suggestions on how to change his mind?
- Cat Lover in San Francisco

Dear Cat Lover in San Francisco,

I'm sorry to hear that your husband doesn't appreciate the majestic beauty and stoic companionship of a feline. Is he a dog lover? I've heard those afflicted with dog-loving often don't understand the nuanced, complex affection of a cat.

Too often cats are dismissed as the "easier" pet. Humans coldly measure our love against a dog's love in a cost-benefit analysis; they say that while we may not give as much unconditional love (benefit), the effort that goes into taking care of a cat is minimal (cost).

Why do humans view the energy of a dog as superior to the energy of a cat? Doesn't the need to earn something make it more valuable? If a dog's love isn't earned, doesn't that cheapen it?

I think your husband needs to meet my friend, Peter. I'm sure Peter owns at least 5 cats (he seems like a 5 cats kind of guy), but he still finds time to come over and give me pets. I'm sure he could convince your foolish husband of the shockingly unapparent truth that a cat's love is priceless.

Hope that helps.

XOXO,
Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 27

I was so excited to receive this letter! Peter used to visit me and give me pets, but he hasn't come by in over a month. I was starting to worry he'd been eaten by a coyote.

Dear Bubbles, 
A lot of writers look back to their childhoods for source material. What events or qualities from your kittenhood compel you to write so prolifically?
- Peter in San Francisco

Dear Peter,

First, I'm so glad to know that you're doing OK. Have you been confined to being an indoor human too? What's happening with the humans, and who's not letting them go outside anymore?

Second, thank you for your letter and for your compliments on my writing. I don't know that I could attribute my writing style to any one event, so instead I will tell you my whole story, from start to finish. You might want to pour yourself a tall glass of milk for this one:

The Bubbles Story
My first home was in a bush of coyote brush in McLaren Park. My mother used to call our scraggly safe haven the "no-coyotes bush," as it actually concealed her precious litter from said predators.

My mother was a free cat; she nursed my brother and I during the day, and then went out at night to catch mice and birds for herself. She was strong and independent, and so beautiful. I knew that even though life was sometimes hard, she cherished her freedom.

I remember the night I lost her. It was a night like any other, except that there was a full moon. She loved the full moon; she said that it made her feel alive - that it was like having the clarity and light of the day, but with the cast of characters and energy of the night. I had trouble sleeping that night, and I knew something had gone wrong when the sun rose and she hadn't returned.

The days after that were a blur. My brother and I weren't big enough to catch food on our own, and so we simply waited, hoping that someone or something would come help us. I could barely move, and had lost my ability to see by the time I was picked up by human hands. I thought I'd died and was being carried into the afterlife. I remember thinking that at least I would see my mother again.

For the first week or so, I still couldn't see. I remember that the floor was cold, and many different human hands poked and prodded me. I remember having milk again, but it wasn't from my mother, and the nipple was cold and hard like the floor.

My vision returned, and I saw the bars of a cage, bright lights, and humans pacing around. The coyote brush from McLaren Park felt like a lifetime ago.

The day my humans came to see me, I'd actually been plotting an escape. I'd noticed the humans would push down on the nobby thing on the door to come in and out. When the snuggle human came into my cage and tried to pick me up, I climbed onto his shoulder and batted at the nob. He laughed at me and called me clever. That day I left the bright lights and the cold floor, and was carried back to my home neighborhood. However, freedom still eluded me; the stark bars of a cage were replaced by elegant wooden doors and tauntingly clear glass windows.

Freedom was distant whisper, like something of a past life. It was romantic and fantastical, like a dream or a fairy tail. Inside the humans' home seemed like the correct place for a feline. Sun peaked through the window to create pockets of warmth, my bowl was filled with stinky fish every day, new boxes of different shapes and sizes rotated in and out of the house. Life seemed good.

Then just last night I noticed that there was a full moon, and this one was bigger and brighter than any full moon I'd seen in a long time. It was so bright that it projected a pocket of light through the window like the sun does during the day. I lay in that pocket, and even though it didn't provide warmth on my fur like the sun, I felt a different warmth. I could almost hear my mother purring and feel her tongue pulling at the fur on the side of my face as she groomed me. For a moment I believed that she must be out there, looking for me by the light of the moon, waiting for me to meet her in the coyote brush so she could tell me the crazy story of where she's been all this time.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 26

My question today is from Party Boat Doug in Seattle:

Dear Bubbles,
How do you maintain such high productivity, day after day after day?
- Party Boat Doug in Seattle

Dear Party Boat Doug,

It's true - my level of productivity is astounding. The real trick to maintaining my extremely high level of effective, efficient output comes down to these two tips:

1. Get lots of rest. This. Is. Key. A rested mind is a sharp mind. I recommend sleeping at least 23 hours/day.
2. Don't be narrow-minded about what it means to be productive. "Pushing cups off a table isn't productive!!" I've heard the humans say.
   "Chasing ghosts around the house doesn't do anything for anyone!" They've also griped (grateful lot they are...).
   Who cares if other people don't think what you're doing is productive! Does it make you feel good? Does it create more balance in the universe (cup pushing does this by converting stale potential energy into vibrant, moving energy)? Then it's productive! Just because it doesn't directly convert into stinky fish in your bowl doesn't mean it's not productive in the greater sense of the word.

I hope this helps you with your productivity!

XOXO,
Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 25

Last night I had a dream that I saw Nemo - he was just lying there underneath the window, basking in the sun. I pounded on the window just above him, trying to get his attention, but he didn't even flinch. I couldn't tell if he didn't hear me or if he was choosing to ignore me. Either way, my efforts to catch his attention were in vain. Yet I tried again and again.

I woke up feeling exhausted. Maybe I'd been thrashing in my sleep, and worn myself out. Or maybe I was just tired of giving my energy, even subconsciously, away to Nemo.

I still wonder if I'll ever see him again. If I do, it won't be the same. I've built a life for myself; I run a successful advice column and even have a fan base in the double digits! Something I never thought I'd have.

However, if I said that to Nemo, I know what he'd say: he'd ask me if I really found happiness in my newfound fame and fortune. He'd ask me in a way that would make me question it, that would make me think for a moment that I'm just kidding myself if I think it's anything special. But he wouldn't mean it that way. He'd mean that I'm already special, he just never thought I was the type to rely on external validation to believe it. Then he'd wink at me with his one eye (or would that be blinking?), and just say "I'm proud of you, kid."

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 24:

I don't know how the human managed to let a letter from a smelly dog sneak into my column, but since I've agreed to answer all fan letters, I might as well get this one out of the way:

Dear Bubbles,
I am a little schnauzer who loves people and animals. Or maybe I should have said “loved”… Once I saw a cat and got so excited that we could play together! When I approached the cat, he started making strange hissing sounds, and then, while I was looking at it him puzzled by the sound, he hit me in the face! It hurt, and why did he do this? I still don’t know, but now, when I see cats, I pretend that they don’t exist… maybe you could explain to me why cats are not friendly creatures, unlike dogs?
- Pepper in Castro Valley

Dear Pepper in Castro Valley,

Since you've written me a letter, I'm assuming you're a fan, so I will try my hardest not to insult you. However, I do have to say that your letter illustrates exactly what drives me crazy about dogs: dogs have no awareness of how their excessive energy could overwhelm another animal.

I think it's great that you love life, and that you want to play with anyone and everyone who is willing. However, you have to understand that not everyone wants to play all the time. I implore you, please assess the situation before you bound towards it. Ask yourself: does this cat, dog or human look like they want to play? Maybe even let them approach you first.

Perhaps this letter exchange is the first step to repairing dog-cat relationships. If more dogs reached out and asked questions like yours, perhaps there wouldn't be so many misunderstandings.

XOXO,
Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 23

I'm taking a break from answering advice today because I am simply too tired. Is this what it's like to have what the humans call "a job?" To have to do something every day even if you don't want to? What a terrible existence.

Thankfully, I enjoy responding to fan letters, so it's really not that much of an obligation. But even if I enjoy it, sometimes I am simply too tired, and would rather do nothing. What do the humans do when this happens to them? They sometimes look so tired when they go to their jobs, but they still go. How and why do they do this?

When the humans used to be outdoor humans, I would often beg them to stay home. They'd look at me and say, "Bubbles, we have to work so that we can buy you stinky fish."

Sometimes they'd buy me toys and fancy treats to make up for their absence during the day. My favorite toy is this brown box; it must have been very expensive.

The truth is though, I don't need the fancy toys and treats. I'm happy with just one box and a plate full of stinky fish. All I ever really wanted was for the humans to stay home and hang out with me more.

But now that they're home all the time, they don't seem very happy about it. They weren't happy about leaving every day, and they're not happy staying inside everyday. This makes me think that perhaps it's not the job or the house that will make the human happy. Perhaps it's something entirely different. Perhaps they just need a big box.

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 22

My question today is from Emily in San Francisco.

Dear Bubbles, 
What advice do you have for staying present, and not worrying too much about the future?
Emily in San Francisco

Dear Emily in San Francisco,

As a cat, I have no choice but to be present. One minute, I'm staring out the window contently, and the next, the humans are picking me up with their hairless raccoon hands, forcing me to snuggle. I accepted years ago that I have no control over these events.

Being present is just about accepting that the hairless raccoon hands will come and go, the outside showers will sometimes fall, and you might even lose almost all of your teeth.

It's about trusting your courageous spirit, and going after what inspires you every day, day by day. It's not letting your gummy mouth, or unwanted water drops hold you back. When the humans pick you up, just wiggle your way free.

Why worry about the future when literally anything could happen? God forbid, the humans bring home a smelly, gross dog. I've heard them talk about it...

So if they do, I'll spend some time on top of the dresser, and admire the view from there. Maybe I'll notice something new while I'm up there, and it will inspire me in a whole new way.

XOXO,
Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 21

Good morning humans! I'm using my entry today to answer another fan question. Shark Muffin from Seattle had a very good question about how I manage to look so good all the time.

Dear Bubbles,
What's the key to maintaining a svelte bod while lounging at home all day? Also, how do you keep your hair so shiny?
- Shark Muffin in Seattle

Dear Shark Muffin,
Yes, I have an excellent body and very shiny fur. Some cats might say that you're either born with it or your not, but I don't think this is completely true. Even if you aren't blessed with my handsome genes, there are still things you can do to improve your situation. I've narrowed it down to a few simple steps:

1. Chase the ghosts in your house. this is a necessary task that doubles as a great workout. Ghosts are quick-moving and pop in and out randomly, so this requires sporadic bursts of energy, usually in the middle of the night. The humans appreciate this diligence, and will reward you with stinky fish.
2. This brings me to my second point: eat lots of stinky fish. Once you've completed your four sets of 30 second ghosts sprints, you'll be hungry! Stinky fish is a high protein diet that will keep you lean and spry. Be sure to wake the humans up immediately after your ghost sprint so that they can feed you. If they don't respond right away, do some "on bed, off bed" reps until they obey. This exercise also tones those hind legs, for jumping optimization. 
3. Lastly, groom yourself immediately after you've eaten. this gets those stinky fish oils deep in your fur coat, which gives you the tantalizing fish smell, and a glistening oily complexion. Nothing humans love more than petting an oily fishy-smelling cat!

I hope this helped! Remember to repeat all of these steps until desired results are obtained.

XOXO,

Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 20

When I first heard that the humans were publishing my diary, I felt shocked and betrayed. But I've received such positive feedback from my human fans, that I've decided to embrace it. I've heard from some of my fans that they would love to have more of an interactive experience. So from now on, I will occasionally mix in advice/answers to your questions in my daily diary. Please contact the loud human for inquiries!

From "Captain Sam" in Boston:

Dear Bubbles,
We got a stylish mid century modern dresser for the nursery and put a changing table on top of it. Since doing so, our cat has been laying on it 24/7, won't cuddle with us, and only gets up to eat. What's up with that?
- Captain Sam in Boston

Dear Captain Sam,
It sounds like you're thinking about bringing a small human into the world. I advise against it. You will inevitably have less time to spend with your cat, which should always be top priority. Cat's are intuitive creatures, and surely yours is aware of what this changing table means; it doesn't just represent changing stinky butt bags, it means that her life as she knows it is changing. She clings onto the table in an attempt to hold on to the familiar.
Let her mourn the end of an era, and just make sure to feed her lots of stinky fish. Also, if you must bring the loud stinky human into the world, give it the task of feeding your cat as soon as the human can bipedal. This will build trust and loyalty. And the trust and loyalty of a cat is priceless.

XOXO,
Bubbles

Diary of a Quarantined Cat: Day 19

I decided today to try to understand the fascination with the clicky box. When the loud one left the room, I gave it a try.

Oh man, I've been missing out! I totally understand why the humans are so obsessed with these! what a satisfying noise these little clicky knobs make!

Wait, human seems upset. She asked me what exactly I typed in Slack. I don't know what she's referring to. Am I not playing with the toy correctly?